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Star Trek: Picard. I’m glad it’s over.

Have I mentioned how much I love Star Trek? How it was a huge deal for me growing up and I would watch new episode of The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine Saturday afternoons on a small black and white TV because my brother and sisters demanded to watch something not as awesome on the other TV with cable?

My weekly allowance always going to new Star Trek books back when you could get them at Waldenbooks?

So I have to talk about the end of Star Trek: Picard. Even though I’d rather not.

I touched on the first episode, and now it’s all over. Finally.

Let me go over the last episode, as most everything in between the first and last few minutes of the entire series is irrelevant. Yup. Complete waste of time.

Spoilers follow.

The finale takes place on and around the Data planet run by Dr. Soong’s son that I never remember being mentioned before, but gave an excuse for Brent Spiner to have more screen time.

Picard’s been locked in his room for nap time and the rest of the characters are out farting around, but they know…what’s her name? Dash’s twin sister. Crap, that’s how memorable the part and actress were. Soji. Had to google it. Anyway, Soji wants to use a sky beam to bring in some long lost AI race who’ll take the other Data androids off to robot Shangri-La and kill all the meat bags in the galaxy.

Because reasons.

The rest of the cast doesn’t like this idea as they’re all meat bags and go about trying to stop the sky beam in the absolute laziest series of events I’ve seen on TV in a while.

Rios’ ship is broken! That’s OK, the androids gave them an ocarina of magical bullshit that can do anything. You just have to imagine it. Wow, there’s a way to solve just about any and all plot problems you might have along the way. As we’ll see again.

Meanwhile, Picard wakes up from his nap and realizes how he can save all the androids by bringing in the Federation to protect them with…a voice mail! Yup! Picard calls Star Fleet’s front desk and asks for help, hits # to end the call and that’s that. Time for pudding.

Then the blond murderer gets Picard to Rios’ ship just in time for the two of them to get back into orbit to stop the evil Romulans from blowing up Data Ville. Previously, Picard didn’t know how to fly the ship and the murder girl was wholly useless…but now Picard’s got it all figured out! His plan is to get blown up by the Romulans to prove to Soji that he’s willing to sacrifice himself for her and that means she shouldn’t summon the AI hentai to kill all the meat bags.

I’ve heard about enough hentai movies to know how that’ll end.

Then we’ve got a cut and paste Romulan fleet show up in orbit, and Oh twirls her Snidley Whiplash mustache as she gives the order to use Planetary Bombardment Dispersion Pattern Number Five. Number Five! There were at least four other planetary destruction options in her hip pocket for this, and she went with the cinco.

Meanwhile, the rest of the cast needs an excuse to be on screen so they try and sneak a bomb into Data Ville blow up the sky beam. Their plan involves getting close to the sky beam and using Space Legolas to get into a fist fight with the androids to give the others time to blow it up.

The meat bags are going to physically over power the super strong, super-fast androids that can think as fast as a super computer. Yes, really! This was the plan and it almost worked.

Not like they could’ve just given the bomb to Soong Jr, who had the run of the place and could’ve just casually walked up to the sky beam and chucked the bomb into it without anyone realizing what he was doing. But I digress.

The useless murder doctor (Jurarti, had to google that too) uses the magical bullshit ocarina to recreate the Picard Maneuver and somehow this give the Romulan fleet pause. Oh, and Picard’s brain anomaly—which got one pervious mention after it was introduced—suddenly comes to the fore while Picard’s trying to talk the Romulans down.

Soji cancels the AI hentai monsters and then a cut and paste Federation Fleet with Riker (yeah!) shows up and Riker beats his chest at the Romulans. This is enough for Oh to peace out and abandon her crusade to destroy Data Ville.

Let’s marinate on that one for a second. Previous to this, the Romulan Section-37-gold-edition-Tal-Shiar forbade any and all AI use within the Romulan Empire. When the star at the heart of their home system went nova, they sabotaged the rescue fleet the Federation was building with synthetics just because they hated synthetic life that much. They doomed millions and millions of Romulans to death because their convictions were just that strong.

Now? Oh and her fleet just saw the androids in Data Ville use a sky beam to open a portal to Armageddon, a hentai monster Armageddon! What does this Romulan fleet do when confronted by a cut and paste Federation fleet standing between them and the one place and people they just saw try and destroy all organic sentient life in the galaxy?

The Romulans peace out. Just leave. They are on the cusp of finishing their great crusade, they’re entire reason for existing as a secret society and they turn tail…my God. Do you feel the disconnect with me? Who wrote this crap?

Back to Picard and he’s dying. So sad. They transport him back to Data Ville and he gets his final moments, or does he? Because the show showed us a golem thing that Soong was prepping for himself. In the writing world, we call that a ‘Set Up’.

Then…and I still don’t get this, we see Rios and Space Legolas bawling like little girls with skinned knees over Picard dying, meanwhile all the female crewmembers are being strong and empowered.

Cut to Picard’s mind talking to Data before he wakes up in the golem.

Let’s pause there. Picard lies dying in Data Ville, and at some point Dr. Soong Jr. remembers that he has a magical bullshit ocarina and a golem. You’d think that Soong would go ‘Ah ha! Stand back everyone, I have just the solution so he doesn’t die!’ Which means he did the magical bullshit ocarina mind transfer right in front of everyone that’s bawling about Picard being dead. So why the hell were they crying? Picard’s getting downloaded into some new hotness.

Do you feel the disconnect with me? Who wrote this crap?

Then Picard wakes up in his android body and everything’s just hunky dory for him. Back to the ship! Let’s go explain strange new worlds etc etc etc. Bring Soji along! Oh, and Seven of Nine and Raffi are Suddenly Lesbians. What is this, the last episode of The Legend of Korra?

Two things:

  • Death is no longer an obstacle for anyone. Magical bullshit ocarina + golems = immortality. Guess there are no more real stakes for the characters to worry about. Star Trek just became Altered Carbon.
  • What the hell was Soji doing this entire season? Because she was farting around the Federation with no idea who or what she really was, or why she was out in the Federation. She gets hired by the Section 37 Romulans…somehow…and then she gets clued in on the Romulan AI hentai apocalypse. Then she’s tricked into remembering where she’s from and she accidentally happens to bring back the AI hentai apocalypse message to Data Ville and that’s what they were after the whole time? What?

Back to Picard, because he had a nice face to face with Data inside a holo deck box or something. Wow, Data’s alive, Picard finally gets to speak to his friend again. Then Data asks to die?

Let’s back this truck up. Soong and all the other Data knock offs have had Data’s memories…They used Data’s positronic network to spawn more twins into android bodies…Why the hell didn’t they just put Data’s mind into a new android? They kept his consciousness in a box doing nothing for years and years?

Damn, no wonder Data wanted to die. You’d think he could’ve asked Picard to let him out or something.

Then Data finally expires when they off him like he’s HAL in 2001. Do you feel the disconnect with me? Who wrote this crap?

This…was an abomination. An abomination of what Star Trek is and was. Horrid writing that was probably knocked out during an afternoon bong session. I’m really disappointed in myself for having watched it all.

It was nice to see Riker again. How about we give him a show?

Picard? What’s your final take? Jean-Luc? Yeah…I don’t blame you. Let’s go to Joel.


About Richard

Winner of the 2017 Dragon Award for Best Military Science Fiction or Fantasy novel.

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